maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
