I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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