Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
