it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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