Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
