It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
