i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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