I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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