things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
