In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize