So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
