Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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