Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize