I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
