God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
