No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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