Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My liver just had a heart attack.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
