Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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