My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
