I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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