Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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