If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
