I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
