Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
