Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
