Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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