My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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