every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
