Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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