I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
