Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
