He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
