I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize