I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
