If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
