Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
