I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
