Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You took a bar mat shot.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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