Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
