After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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