You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
