I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
