It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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