just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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