She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
