the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
