I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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