Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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