i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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