The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
