hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
