I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize