as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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