i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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