News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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