i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
