I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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