Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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