i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
