apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
