I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize